A pattern you create together

It was her first week with her new boss. 

And then it was a month. 

Soon, wouldn’t you know it, it’s been three years.

At first, it just felt respectful to yield when the boss interrupted her, and she’d nod along as the conversation turned into a monologue—a normal, every day accommodation like one anyone makes countless times as a relationship gets started, softening the edges, holding something back, little auditions of how much me I can be, the roles we take on quietly because the moment calls for it.

It wasn’t that the boss’s interruption intended to be rude, nor the monologue a tangent; in fact the relationship is a good one, the boss is a good boss, and even if at times one-sided, interactions that more-often-than-not move the work along.

Like a request and then a task fulfilled, or a thank you for giving the extra effort, or sitting together on the same side of the table for a challenging discussion with someone else … the boss interrupts, she yields, work moves forward, the relationship holds. That's not a problem. That's a relationship.

Relationships are a collection of relationship patterns: A sort of bit-by-bit negotiation over time of your role and my role. 

It’s still the lesson at the heart of Dr Phil’s message: You teach people how to treat you. 

It’s one thing (I think) I remember from the here-and-there episodes of Oprah I’d catch after school—and while Dr. Phil’s advice is decidedly intended to be individual-focused tough-love, it’s just as true in a mutually supportive work relationship.

And it doesn’t require confrontation. Just a different response in Tuesday’s 1:1. Something like:

Can I finish my point?

I’d like to come back to what I was saying earlier. 

Hey, realized I didn’t finish what I was saying, so sending a follow-up note to make sure we’re on the same page.

When we find that a relationship pattern is no longer serving us, or not serving the work, it’s time to try a different one. Do it. See what happens.

Around The Water Cooler ⛲

“AI need not undermine your ability to think, but it can do so if used badly and badly is often the default. My colleagues at Wharton call this “cognitive surrender,” and they documented how people would stop thinking about problems and just let the AI do the work, even when the AI was wrong.” Choosing to Stay Human by Ethan Mollick

This was really interesting → If Collapse Is Inevitable, Why Does Seeing Early Matter? by Adrian Lambert

“The moment you rank one party’s humanity above another’s, the system starts eating itself.” The Customer Isn't Always Right by Nilofer Merchant

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How To Work is healthcare-focused work design inspiration (from the experts!) to nudge your perspectives and practices into better alignment with the world of work as it is, and away from what it was. Here’s my take on what we’re working through.