Let's get ready to rumble

With "The Holidays" portion of the calendar now behind us, if you spent any time with family over the last few months, you may have noticed it too: The conversations that dance around the edges. The stuff that should be said but isn't. The careful navigation of topics to avoid any real vulnerability or friction.

Because no one wants a holiday blow up. Or even a heated conversation. Or even just a bit of tension. Which is, I suppose, just fine. Our energy reserves, especially at this time of year, especially this year, are finite. Choose your battles as they say.

But at work, with the calendar turning from 2024 to 2025, and what's looking to be a difficult year for many organizations, we're likely going to need to talk extensively about things we might rather not: the important topics, the stuff that needs to be said, going deep ... which requires vulnerability ... to question whether a project timeline is realistic when everyone's afraid of delays, to raise resource constraints when budgets are tight, to admit when a project's direction needs to change even though we've already invested time and energy...

About that v word—after a decade of research, Brené Brown's Dare to Lead reveals something counterintuitive: vulnerability isn't weakness, it's a measure of courage. She challenges the myth that we can get through our work lives without these difficult moments of exposure and uncertainty. Instead, she argues that the ability to "rumble" with vulnerability—to lean into these uncomfortable moments with curiosity and courage—is what creates the conditions for honest, innovative, and productive workplaces.

That sounds good. I also agree. But the thing about vulnerability at work is that it's a lot easier, in my estimation, for a person in a position of authority to create the conditions where being vulnerable feels safe … than it is for individuals who are not in positions of authority to have the courage to kick off the conversations that are going to matter with peers, or project teams, or with folks higher up the hierarchy ...

These are the conversations Brené calls rumbles: "A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard."

I love the concept. Especially when people participating in the rumble know they're rumbling—because when that happens, well, it's a lot easier to "lean into vulnerability", as Brené says.

But most of us don't work in rumble-ready settings. Yet we know hard conversations are necessary, especially because the ramifications of not talking about what needs to be talked about can so often end up becoming problems on our plates. And just being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable is not an advisable strategy. So what are we to do?

This is where Brené's rumble starters come in: phrases designed not because they're easy to say, but because they create an opening:

• I’m curious about…

• Tell me more.

• That’s not my experience (instead of “You’re wrong about her, him, them, it, this…”).

• I’m wondering…

• Help me understand…

• Walk me through…

• We’re both dug in. Tell me about your passion around this.

• Tell me why this doesn’t fit/work for you. I’m working from these assumptions—what about you?

• The story I'm telling myself...

• What problem are we trying to solve?

And an opening is a start. Of course there's a chance that opening may immediately be slammed closed. But at least we give a needed conversation a chance of emerging.

And that's really what this is about—developing our capacity to create openings. To make space for the conversations that need to happen, especially in situations where vulnerability doesn't feel safe.

I like to think each time we use one of these rumble starters—each time we say "I'm curious about..." or "The story I'm telling myself..."—we're not just opening up one conversation, we're creating the conditions for real talk. For staying curious. For doing the hard work of being on the same page before it becomes the really hard work of getting back on it. And that's something.

Sure, there's this moment, right before you speak up, where your heart rate kicks up a notch. That little surge of adrenaline that comes with choosing vulnerability. But that flutter? It's not telling you to stop. It's telling you this matters.

We don't get to choose whether our organizations need tough conversations. Our complex world does. But we do get a choice for our role in making space for them.

That's why rumble starters can be powerful—they give us a script for those moments when we need both courage and vulnerability. They can open the door for the tough conversations we're going to need to have ...

Happy New Year! Thanks for being here.

Around The Water Cooler ⛲

“This idea, that true power lies elsewhere, is an insidious one. Insidious the moment you shrug and say things are above your pay grade. Or not your problem. Or not in your sphere of fucking influence. Insidious because that causes you to shrink your influence. To shrink your impact. And to also cap your pay grade massively. Insidious because you are a person with true power and you have chosen not to act. And that makes the statement not only insidious but self-fulfilling.” True Power Lies Elsewhere

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How To Work is healthcare-focused work design inspiration (from the experts!) to nudge your perspectives and practices into better alignment with the world of work as it is, and away from what it was. Here’s my take on what we’re working through.